Highly Placed Sources

UPDATE:  Sources in the legal department of GM confirm that the company is intentionally extorting the government of the United States during an economic crisis.  With the country’s economy already wobbling the lost of the three million jobs directly or iseem to bother those ndirectly connected to GM could easily push America over the edge into a full blown depression.  “We know that, the government knows it too,” a highly-placed GM executive acknowledged.  “We’re holding the country hostage and believe the government will have no choice but to give us what we’re asking for.  If they don’t, we put millions into the unemployment lines and take the country down with us.”  

 Playing chicken with the country’s future doesn’t in charge at GM.   Government sources have yet to respond to our inquiry on whether “Still-President Bush” or President-Elect Obama is likely are likely to give in to the pressure from GM, but predict that Congress will decide to go along with GMs demands.

Original Story: 

A Deputy Secretary in the Treasury Department reports that the Bush Administration considers GM and other automakers “Financial Terrorists” who are “Holding the livelihoods of three million Americans hostage, and we do not negotiate with terrorists.”An Obama advisor said while he understood that point of view, the Obama camp did not agree with that point of view at all, and that casting things in those terms was counterproductive.  He did admit that he saw a twenty-five billion dollar hand-out to the auto industry as nothing more than “a patch” that at best could push the collapse of the car makers down the line a year or two.  “We feel it’s a patch that’s needed.  The economic hole the country is in will be hard enough to dig out of without the collapse of a major economic sector and the loss of millions of jobs.  So we’re going to plug this leak until we can get the rest of the financial sector floating upright again.”

An Ohio Preacher calling himself Pastor John has released a statement claiming the California fires are God’s vengeance on The Golden State. “By making same-sex marriage illegal,” Pastor John said, “they are flying in the face of Jesus’ message of love. By enshrining hatred as law, they have brought the anger of the Lord and his heavenly fire down upon them.”

The Pastor’s pro-gay beliefs are the direct reverse of statements by other clerics about earlier disasters, such as when the Rev. John Hagee blamed Hurricane Katrina on the sinful actions of the City of New Orleans, saying in part that ‘God caused Hurricane Katrina to wipe out New Orleans because it had a gay pride parade the week before and was filled with sexual sin.”

When questioned by reporters Pastor John went on to say that adulterers, rather than gay people, should be prevented from marrying, or, technically, remarrying. “The Ten Commandments say nothing about homosexuality,” Pastor John states, “but God made his position on adultery clear. “Once a cheater, always a cheater, and that if you commit adultery once, you’ll do it again, spreading heartbreak and sin wherever you go.”

Who of the following is NOT an enemy of Batman?

1. The Joker
2. The Riddler
3. The Trickster
4. The Cluemaster
5. Catwoman
6. Catman

Solution to Previous Quizzical:

Only number two is actually laid out in the Old Testament

If the New York Nudst community has their way, parts of Central Park and other city parks would be set asside for Clothing Optional Recretion. A just-released letter from John Ordover, the founder of the New York City based Clothing Optional Dinners group, to NYC Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe requests that the commissioner “designate specific places in Central Park, Prospect Park and other city parks as Clothing Optional Recreation Areas.”

Ordover’s leter goes on to say “To be clear [nudists] are not exhibitionists nor do we wish to offend
anyone or take anyone by surprise. What we are asking is that some secluded space be put aside for our use, just as some beaches areas are.”

Mr. Benape’s office could not be reached for reply on a weekend, and Mr. Ordover says he doubts they’ve recieved the letter, which was only sent out today. So only time will tell whether New York will become Nude York, although as Ordover’s letter says “it’s a great way to beat the heat!”

Supposedly, on July 16, Michael Savage the No. 3 syndicated radio talk show host in the country, said the following things about autism:

“Now, you want me to tell you my opinion on autism? … it’s a fraud, a
racket.”

”Now, the illness du jour is autism. You know what autism is? I’ll tell you what autism is. In 99 percent of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out. That’s what autism is.

”What do you mean they scream and they’re silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them, “Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, idiot.”

”Autism — everybody has an illness. If I behaved like a fool, my father called me a fool. And he said to me, “Don’t behave like a fool.” That’s what he said — “Don’t behave like a fool. Don’t be anybody’s dummy. Don’t sound like an idiot. Don’t act like a girl. Don’t cry.” That’s what I was raised with. That’s what you should raise your children with. Stop with the sensitivity training. You’re turning your son into a girl, and you’re turning your nation into a nation of losers and beaten men. That’s why we have the politicians we have.”

It’s inconceivable that an honest, fair-minded man like Michael Savage, one who cares deeply for all God’s people on Earth, who is well informed on autism and as regular listeners know every other important subject there is, could have possibly said anything like that. A search on the web shows what he really said on that episode. The accurate transcript is below.

“Now, you want me to tell you why I’m a fraud, a racket? It’s because of my illness, Cerebral Postural Misplacement (CPM), better known as Head Up The Ass Syndrome. You know what CPM is? I’ll tell you what CPM is. In 99 percent of the cases, it’s a schmuck like me who hasn’t been told to cut the act out. That’s what CPM is. It’s genetic. It’s incurable.

“My father used to tell me “Don’t act like a moron. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, idiot.” He used to yell that at me morning, noon and night, because CPM is genetic, and he had Head Up The Ass syndrome too. So, because of CPM, I spend my time on the radio acting like a moron, a putz, a dummy, stooped over, being a whiney little girl. Why do you think I shout like this? Because of CPM, my head’s so far up my ass it’s amazing the microphone can pick up what I’m saying. “

The truth will always out, and the truth is on that day Michael Savage was at his best.

Fresh off its announced boycott of McDonald’s Restaurants for supporting “the homosexual agenda” non-Reverend Dobson’s Focus on the Family has chosen its next target: The Green Stone of Healing fantasy novels by C.L. Talmadge. A call from FOF for the series to be pulled from sale is expected to go out shortly.

One of Dobson’s aides at the self-appointed media watchdog organization explained that not only do the books condemn religion when they portray how organized faith can lead to worldwide social collapse, they are also “a tool to recruit children into the homosexual lifestyle” with their portrayal of positive homosexual characters and “blow-by-blow descriptions of how to have gay and lesbian sex.”

The conservative group Concerned Women of America said agrees in general with Focus On the Family, but says they “have not reviewed the novels in detail” but “feel that all books should have rating labels to allow parents to protect their children from this kind of filthy left-wing propaganda.”

Asked for her reaction, Talmadge replied that “[The Green Stone of Healing] series is intended for adults and addresses religious intolerance, gender violence, race relations and other “grown-up” concerns. The series,” Talmudge continued, “explores spirituality from a non-traditional viewpoint, which may make some people uncomfortable, and while the series does include positive portrayals of gay characters, my only goal was to write a solid, meaningful and moving story that works on more than one level. Readers can decide for themselves if I succeeded.”

The Green Stone of Healing series has received critical acclaim from sources are varied as The Midwest Book Review and Kirkus Discoveries. Anyone interested in joining the debate can browse through the series at http://tinyurl.com/66uhda.

The cover of the latest New Yorker magazine (left) has resulted in storm and fury among the punditocracy, depicting as it does Barack Obama and his wife Michelle as terrorists, with an American flag burning in a fireplace over which hangs a portrait of Osama Bin Laden.  The discussion has been focusing on whether the satrically intended cover is offensive or not. While the Obama campaign feels it is, others feel differently.

Our conclusion is that yes, it is satire, and yes, it is offensive, but not due to how it depicts the potential first couple. The problem is deeper than that.

It’s just not funny.

It is a joke without a punchline, a set-up without a pay-off.  With this choice of cover the New Yorker has done a pratfall off its pedestal of sophistication and lowered itself to the level of a stand-up comic whose opening gag just fell flat. 

Whether something is funny or not often depends on context. The New Yorker is no longer known as a humor magazine, and therefore the context is such that an attempt at this kind of satire is doomed to failure. If the exact same illustration appeared on or in MAD magazine with the caption “How John McCain Wants You To See The Obamas” it would have at least been a clear attempt at humorous political commentary.

To make amends, the magazine’s editorial staff should take a good hard look through their publication and note what long-time readers have known for over a decade: the cartoons they print are no longer funny or insightful, just as this cover was not. If this uproar leads to a change in how cartoons are chosen for the inside of the magazine as well as the outside, there could after all be a silver lining to their cloudly thinking.