The National Insurance Institute has been sitting on an auto safety problem, says a high-level executive in their statistics department. The hold up isn’t due to any kind of corruption; the delay is due to a struggle within the NII to find the right words to explain the problem to the conservative-leaning American public.
NII data shows that a growing percentage of highway accidents are due to some drivers’ habit of releasing sexual tension with one hand while keeping the other on the wheel. Collected data shows that the number of accidents attributed to such unsafe-at-any-speed behavior has nearly doubled over the last five years. “You can’t always tell,” a State Police Sergeant from Nevada explained, “but if you pull a guy over for driving erratically and you see him pulling his pants up, you can pretty much guess what he was up to.”
The researchers who analyzed the data say the surge in numbers is likely due to two major factors: ever-longer commutes and a jump in the number of women who are indulging as they drive. NII researchers attribute the increase among female drivers to a rise in the number of erotic novels aimed at women and available in audiobook format. A Deputy from Florida explained that “The times I’ve pulled women over for this, there’s almost always a Jackie Collins novel or some such playing on the car stereo.”
As to why those choosing to entertain themselves in this fashion don’t just pull over to the side of the road to do their business, NII researchers say that it’s not out of a desire to make time on their trip, but that “pulling to the side of the road kills the sense of privacy people feel going down the road at 70 miles per hour.”
Despite the NII findings there is no word on whether any state or local government will be launching a “‘Keep Your Hands on the Wheel, Not In Your Pants” campaign any time soon.
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